The Promise of Change
At the start of this year, I made promises to improve myself and be more social. I've made some changes, but it's hard to fully describe how I'm feeling unless you've been through it too.
I aimed to be more social, and in some ways, I am. Yet, even though I'm around people, I feel lonelier than before. When I was mostly alone, I didn't feel this sense of disconnection. Now, when I'm socializing, it feels like I'm on the outside looking in trying to join, but not really feeling part of it.
The Pressure to Fit In
One of the toughest parts is the everyday situations. I've never been one to show off. I bought a basic phone for just over a hundred dollars, focusing only on what I needed. But when I'm with others, there's this awkward moment where everyone pulls out their fancy iPhones. Suddenly, I feel this pressure, as if I need to have the same to fit in.
It's not just about the phone; it's about feeling like I belong. I used to think people with expensive gadgets were just trying to show off. Now, I see they might do it not to feel superior, but to avoid feeling left out. When one person brings out their phone, others do the same, pushing me to reveal what I'd like to keep simple not because I want to, but because not doing it makes me feel vulnerable.
The Conundrum of Change
For me, buying technology has always been about function, not looks. My basic phone worked well, and my no-frills laptop did its job. But when I see what others have, I wonder if this pressure is making me want more.
I do plan to get a better laptop soon not to show off, but because I need it for my work. Still, the feeling of needing to "catch up" lingers in my mind.
Old Habits, New Patterns
At the start of the year, I wanted to break bad habits. While I've made progress, I realize some habits were more than just actions they helped me cope. For example, my sleep used to be all over the place. I’d stay up late working, thinking it was productive. Now, I see I was avoiding something: perhaps feeling lonely or overthinking.
My sleep is now more regular, but I wonder if:
- My old routine was unhealthy, or
- This new schedule is just better on the surface but lacks something deeper.
I've started getting daily migraines, which adds to my uncertainty. It's as if when I fix one part of my life, another part reminds me of what’s missing.
The Irony of Socializing
I believed that being more social would fill an emptiness inside me. At first, it seemed to help. I started talking to people and sharing my thoughts. But as time went on, I realized something uncomfortable: I still felt like I didn’t fit in, even in a big group of people.
I often struggle with small talk. I never know what to say or how to connect with others. When someone talks about an old memory, I smile on the outside but feel the sting inside.
Others seem so confident and at ease. They know what to say and how to carry themselves, while I am left questioning where I belong.
Before I tried being more social, I was content with being alone. I enjoyed my space and peace. Some might have called me too introverted, but I was comfortable with that. I didn’t feel lonely.
Then the advice started: “You need to get out more. Talk to people.” So I listened, and that's when I started feeling even more alone. I became more isolated than I had been before.
I now ask myself:
- Why did I feel the need to be more social in the first place?
- What was I thinking I was missing?
I see others making a big deal of small conversations, turning casual chats into drama. Maybe I just don’t know how to play the social game.
A Return to Authenticity
I know I’m not an expert at everything. I understand tech and AI, and I can hold my own in deep conversations. But I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not.
I’ve learned to listen more and speak less. If I don’t know something, I stay quiet and learn. Maybe that’s rare and why I sometimes feel out of place.
I haven’t tried fitting into social circles for years. For a long time, I avoided busy social situations, even with family. It wasn’t perfect, but it was stable.
Now, as I try to connect with others again, it feels uncomfortable. People’s reactions to me seem different, as if I don’t meet their expectations. Maybe I’m not made for typical socializing and that might be okay.
True connections aren’t about being with everyone or doing everything. They’re about finding the right people and those moments when someone truly understands you, without any pretending.
Final Thoughts
Socializing was supposed to fill a void and make me feel better. But even with more people around, I feel lonelier. Maybe what really matters isn’t how many people you interact with but the quality of those interactions. It’s not about fitting into what others expect, but about being true to yourself even if that means needing different spaces for connections.
Perhaps I need to redefine what “being social” means for me, instead of trying to fit into the norm. Building a life where real connections matter more than just talking a lot might be the real goal.
For now, I’m on this journey of self-discovery balancing what others expect and what feels right for me. Sometimes, I think the loneliness is a sign to look inside myself to understand that the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself.