I feel more contradictory every day, and I don't even know how to explain it. You might call me a hypocrite, and I wouldn’t blame you.
As of now, I'm happy being single and doing well. In six months, I'll be 18, and I've started earning money through freelancing. I'm putting everything I earn into my future. If you see me as just another 17-year-old developer, that's okay. From the outside, I seem to be doing great.
And for the most part, that’s true. I enjoy my own company and feel content. But recently, something’s been bothering me. When I scroll through social media and see my friends with their partners, an emptiness grows inside me. It’s not that I want to be in a relationship I really don't. However, I wish I could feel the connection they have. I want to experience that even though I don't need it now.
Social media is its own contradiction. It connects us to the world yet disconnects us from ourselves. People say it’s a highlight reel, showing perfect moments and filtered realities. And even though I know this, I still get absorbed by it.
Every time I scroll, my insecurities grow: my appearance, my voice, how I walk, and how others see me. It's like a mirror that both reflects and distorts my image. I begin to question everything: Am I enough? Do I fit in? Could I ever be like them?
I remind myself that social media is fake. People only show the best parts, crafting lives that hide struggles and present a polished version to others. Still, even knowing this, I feel inadequate.
Sometimes I wonder if this feeling is just about being 17. It’s like a continuous struggle between who I am and who I think I should be. My friends seem to have everything figured out, handling social situations easily, building relationships without effort, and being comfortable in their own skin. Meanwhile, I’m constantly questioning, analyzing every interaction, and feeling like an outsider.
It’s not just comparing myself to others. There’s a nagging thought that I’m fundamentally "not enough." That I’m not cut out for relationships or the kind of person others want to spend time with. These aren’t rational thoughts; they’re loud whispers in my mind amplified by social media.
Part of the problem is feeling like I’m hiding. I bury myself in work and familiar things because I worry I’m boring to others. I overthink everything, and this sometimes leads to anxiety or panic attacks. It’s tough to talk about, but it’s my truth. I see others leading their "normal" lives, happy and carefree, and I wish I could be like them.
When I was younger, I faced a big personal crisis that really changed me. I'm still trying to understand how it affects me today. Growing up in a Hindu family, I felt curious about learning beyond what I grew up with. So, I started reading holy books from other religions like the Quran and the Bible, searching for life's answers. This journey helped shape who I am, but I haven't shared much about it with others.
If my family found out about this part of my life, they might not understand. They could laugh or get upset, feeling like I turned away from our beliefs. But for me, it was about finding my place in the world. Even now, I feel like I'm still searching for answers.
I wish I could be like everyone else, but it's hard. Talking to people feels awkward, and sometimes I end up stuck in my own world. While my friends are out having fun, I'm alone in my room, lost in thought. This makes me feel empty at times.
Being alone has always been okay with me. In fact, I find a lot of peace in solitude. It gives me time to think and just be myself without worrying about talking or fitting in. When I'm alone, I feel at ease.
Yet, a part of me still longs for more. It's a quiet feeling I can't ignore. Sometimes, I wish I could feel "normal" like others. Watching people talk and laugh effortlessly makes me wonder why it's so difficult for me.
What's interesting is that when I connect with people online, like in coding groups or forums, it feels more natural. Maybe it's because we're sharing something we care about, instead of just small talk. These online connections feel real to me. But I question if I miss out on typical teenage experiences.
This is a confusing situation. I love the peace of being alone but also wish to connect with others more. I like who I am, but sometimes it feels like life is going on without me joining in.
These mixed feelings are hard to explain. How do you tell someone you're happy alone but also feel like you don't belong? Maybe others wouldn't get it, and that's okay. Perhaps understanding from others isn't what I need.
I'm still figuring things out. This online journey is part of finding answers, and I'm taking it step by step.