Reflections on Change
I opened my old Facebook today. I don’t even remember the last time I used it, but there it was—memories frozen in time. Friends, relatives, people I once knew—all enjoying their lives, smiling, celebrating, moving forward.
And then, I asked myself: What am I doing with my life? Am I making the wrong choices? Am I wasting my time on things no one else would even understand? While they’re out there living, am I just stuck in a loop of code, projects, and ideas that only make sense to me? Am I afraid?
The Existential Tug-of-War
When I saw those pictures, I wondered: Am I doing everything right? I spend sixteen hours a day coding, in meetings, running a startup. My world is lines of code, problems to solve, systems to build. And yet, out there, others are living life on their own terms—going out, traveling, enjoying the moment.
It felt like having an existential crisis... For a few minutes, I was right back in that place—caught in an existential drain, questioning everything. The uncertainty of whether I’m doing the right thing, or if I’m just endlessly working while others seem to be living their lives fully.
Don’t get me wrong, I know social media is just a highlight reel, but when you see it, it’s hard not to get caught up in it. Even when you know it’s not the full picture, you can’t help but feel like you’re missing out. You know it's not real life, but somehow, in that moment, it feels like it is.
Balancing Passion and Connection
It’s not that I’m unhappy with my life—quite the opposite, actually. I’m genuinely happy. I’m living my passion; coding is what I love, and I’m following that path with everything I have. But when I see others, out there, enjoying life in their own way, it’s hard to explain.
I’ve touched on this in a different vlog—maybe you’ve read it. But right now, I can’t shake the feeling that even though I’m enjoying my life, there’s something unexplainable about the way it feels when I see others living their version of happiness.
And yes, I’m happy, but when I see people happy online, something stirs inside me. Even though I know social media is just a curated glimpse, even though I understand that, you can’t fully ignore that pull. Trust me, I know it better than anyone else, yet it’s impossible to completely push that feeling away.
It’s like a tug-of-war between what I know and what I feel. On one hand, I’ve always believed that true happiness comes from within—from pursuing what excites me, what challenges me. And that’s what I’m doing: coding, building, creating. But sometimes, the emotional side creeps in, and I can’t help but question if I’m missing something.
Social media makes you feel like you’re the only one left out. Everyone else seems to have it all figured out, or at least that’s how it looks. Even if I tell myself a hundred times that people only post their best moments, the feeling doesn’t always fade.
Maybe it’s not about what others are doing, but about how I sometimes feel disconnected from the world around me—even while doing what I love. The isolation isn’t about the work; it’s about those quiet moments when you pause, take a step back, and ask if you’re living the life you really want. And that question doesn’t always have an easy answer.
The Private Self
Maybe what I really want is to mix in with people—to accept others, to be part of something bigger than myself. But the truth is, I’ve always been a private person. You might not see it from what I write here, but in reality, I keep most of my life hidden. I don’t show my face. I don’t have a picture of myself anywhere. And while I’m okay with that most of the time, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to let people in—to truly connect, to have more friends, to share more, to be less… distant.
When you read this, you might laugh, especially after the blog and journal posts I’ve shared on this website. But what I share here is different—this is my space, my own thing. In reality, though, I’m much more private. I don’t have many friends outside of my team. Most of the people I interact with now are either part of my team or family. And that’s the reality.
Lately, I’ve been feeling torn between two worlds: one where I pour my thoughts out for anyone to read, where I’m open about my doubts and experiences, and another where I guard myself, holding onto the privacy I’ve always valued. I often wonder if I’m missing out on something—maybe genuine connections beyond my work and team. But then the thought of opening up too much feels like stepping into vulnerability I’m not sure I’m ready for. Perhaps it’s easier to remain in my own world, building what I believe in. But is it?
That’s the real question: How do you find balance between being yourself and sharing yourself with the world? Can you truly have both?
The Struggle with Connection
I’ve always been a bit awkward, honestly. I don’t know how to talk to people or form real connections. When someone speaks to me, I often don’t know how to react. Perhaps that’s why I’ve kept myself so private—it feels safer that way. I’ve spent so much of my life in my own space, creating, building, focusing on the work I love, because it’s easier than grappling with the discomfort of not knowing how to connect. It’s not that I don’t want connection; I’m just not sure how.
Maybe I’m scared of what people might think. Maybe I fear how they’d react if I showed them my true side. Would they understand? Would they judge me? I wonder what would happen if I let my guard down, if I wasn’t so private all the time. But then I question: Would I even know how to be open? Could I navigate those moments of vulnerability? Perhaps that’s what holds me back. Maybe I’m simply not ready to let go of the walls I’ve built.
A Changed Self
I’ve changed so much since my existential crisis. Before that, I was a completely different person—bratty, outgoing, barely questioning anything. Life felt more surface-level, and I rarely looked beneath the facade. But after the crisis, everything shifted. It was as if a veil had been lifted, and I started seeing the world through a different lens.
Suddenly, I was filled with questions. What’s the point of everything? Why are we here? How do we find meaning in a world that doesn’t hand out answers on a silver platter? It was overwhelming at first, but now I see it as part of who I am. I’ve become more philosophical—sometimes I think too much about things—but I’ve also grown.
I’ve come to realize that we’re all just figuring it out, trying to make sense of it all. Maybe the answers don’t come easily. Perhaps the journey isn’t about having everything figured out, but about learning to live with the uncertainty. I’ve learned to embrace that—though it remains a struggle at times.
Looking back, I see just how much I’ve changed. I used to be so bratty—I’d annoy people relentlessly, push their buttons without a second thought. Honestly, if given the chance, people might have had enough of me. Now, when I look at my old self, I barely recognize him. How did I live like that? How did I function in a world so disconnected from anything deeper? Sometimes, I even find myself jealous of that former me—maybe because he was carefree, unburdened by questions, unafraid to just be.
Embracing the Power of Thought
"We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think." — Buddha
Looking back, I see how my thoughts have reshaped me. The way I view the world now is so different from how I saw it before. Once, I was carefree, loud, and rarely paused to think. Now, I question everything—who I am, what I’m doing, and what truly matters.
Maybe that’s just how life works. We are constantly becoming, continuously molded by the weight of our own thoughts. And perhaps, just perhaps, the person I am today is simply the result of the thoughts I’ve allowed to shape me.