Introduction
Life is full of contradictions. We have desires, fears, and truths about ourselves that often clash. In this post, I want to share three parts of my own story: knowing myself but not fully accepting it, being afraid to love while still feeling broken, and the challenges that come with self-awareness. These reflections are like a guide, helping me navigate my own inner conflicts.
Chapter 1: Knowing Yourself but Not Accepting Yourself
I often find myself living with contradictions.
I've thought about this before. I quickly noted it in my journal once and explored it more deeply another time. Today, as I look through my old journals, I realize once again that I'm still a living contradiction maybe even more so now.
Being hypocritical isn't necessarily bad; it's just a human trait. We all keep parts of ourselves hidden. But here's my truth: I understand myself better than most people do.
Most people know simple things like their name and job. But many don’t really see who they truly are inside.
There are things about myself that I don’t like. However, I do value my ability to be self-aware:
- I know who I am inside.
- I have a clear idea of what I need to do.
- I can admit things most people deny.
I might not like everything about myself, but I appreciate the person I’m becoming.
I say I don’t care, but the truth is, I care a lot about others.
I often crave attention, but when I receive it, I tend to push it away.
I'm made up of opposites: insecurity mixed with self-knowledge, wanting things while also rejecting them, hard self-criticism balanced with honest kindness.
The Weight of Insecurity
I'm insecure about many things how I look, how I sound, and what I say or leave unsaid.
Right now, I don’t know what to say. I’m feeling uneasy. I don’t know what will happen next or what actions to take.
But one thing is certain:
I know what’s inside me.
I can see both my faults and my gentle sides. I experience the internal conflict between different truths. And I’ve learned that knowing is not the same as accepting.
I am full of contradictions, and I’m not proud of this.
I push too hard. I care too deeply. I want and reject at the same time.
I haven’t reached self-acceptance yet, but I do have self-knowledge. For now, that keeps me searching for answers.
Chapter 2: The Fear of Loving When You’re Broken
Recently, I was on Instagram and saw something that really struck me:
“It’s surprising how many people think they don’t deserve love because they aren’t financially secure yet.”
Those words are simple, yet feel very true to me.
I feel the same way.
How can I care for someone else when I can hardly look after myself? How can I even think about loving someone while I’m still trying to sort out my own chaos?
I've faced this feeling before. It cost me someone important my crush.
She told me she liked me. For a brief moment, I believed I could have something good. I wanted to say yes, to say me too, to dive in without fear.
But then fear crept back in: What if I mess up her life? What if my problems bring her down? What if she ends up suffering because of me?
I remembered my mess. My incomplete life. My uncertainty.
So, I stayed quiet. I didn’t say anything. I thought I was keeping her safe or at least, that’s what I told myself.
Maybe it was cowardice. Maybe it was kindness. Or maybe it was me caught in my own tangled thoughts again.
I chose to suffer alone rather than risk seeing her hurt because of me.
I wanted to say yes. But I couldn’t.
That “what if” haunted me the fear that I would be the reason she got hurt.
As I mentioned in the first part, contradictions are a big part of me.
This is just another one:
- I want love.
- But I push it away to protect those I care about.
- I crave connection.
- But I keep myself alone because of fear.
Sometimes, I wonder: What would it be like to love without fear?
I see people entering relationships easily. They seem free without worries. Maybe they don’t overthink their future like I do.
Even my sister seems to live in the moment better than I do.
Maybe overthinking creates barriers.
And me? I’m still behind my walls. Watching. Wondering. Regretting.
Chapter 3: Self-Awareness The Blessing and the Curse
An online friend once said to me:
“Self-awareness is a power. It helps you think more deeply.”
They were right.
Self-awareness is a kind of power. It helps you notice things others might miss. You think, reflect, and question the world and yourself in ways others might not.
But it can also be a barrier.
A wall you build around yourself without realizing. A wall that’s hard to get over.
Self-awareness shows you exactly what you’re doing even when you can’t stop yourself.
I’m very self-aware. Sometimes it's painful.
I’ve read many psychological profiles of people. I can often guess what they’re going to say. Most of the time, I’m right. Sometimes, I’m not.
But being right doesn’t make things better. It just feels lonelier.
It’s strange to think about the time before I was like this. Before self-awareness, I moved through life without truly being aware.
I wasn’t really present. I wasn’t in control. I was just... existing.
Now, I see everything. And sometimes, I wish I didn’t.
Because once you’re aware, you can’t go back to not knowing.
Self-awareness changes you. It gives you insight but not peace.
And maybe that’s the hardest truth of all.
I know who I am. I just don’t know what to do with it yet.
Final Touch
In the end, perhaps the biggest paradox is this: we spend life searching for answers, only to find that the questions themselves are what make us human. The contradictions, the fears, the self-awareness these aren’t flaws to fix, but parts of who we are.
Maybe one day I'll find peace with my contradictions. Or maybe I won't.