Reconnecting with Myself: My Personal Journey
I recently had an experience that changed my life. It began with a dream that helped me step away from being overly focused on coding. This moment of clarity led me to discover deeper parts of myself and learn how to find balance in a fast-paced world.
The Challenge with Coding
I’ve shared my struggles with mental health before, and part of the issue was my relationship with coding. What started as a passion turned into an obsession. I found it hard to step away from my computer. It wasn't just a hobby anymore it had consumed me. My identity was so connected to coding that it followed me into my sleep. The addiction was powerful; I thought in code more naturally than in my own language.
One night really highlighted the problem. I decided to take a break, switched off everything, and chose to read a book instead of coding manuals before bed. Yet, at 2 AM, I woke with a head full of coding solutions. I found myself back at my desk, coding for hours until sunrise. I felt accomplished yet completely exhausted. I asked myself, what good is freedom if I can't choose to rest?
Recognizing My Workaholism
It hit me hard: I was more than just passionate about coding I was a workaholic. Coding for 16 hours a day wasn't just a routine; it was a way to avoid confronting feelings of emptiness. This crazy pace started affecting my health. My shoulders ached, my eyes burned, and headaches became constant companions. These were symptoms of a deeper issue.
Even when I stepped outside, my mind was filled with programming thoughts. Trees turned into data structures, conversations felt like algorithms. Coding thoughts intruded even when I was with family or watching a movie. It was like a never-ending noise in my head that refused to quiet down.
If you're interested, I've shared more on these thoughts in my piece on Overthinking and Self-Consciousness.
The Dream That Changed Everything
I’ve described a significant dream in The Dream That Won't Let Go. It left a deep impact on me. In this dream, another version of myself confronted me about constantly running away from my problems. His words made me face uncomfortable truths. "Do it right this time," he urged me. That dream was a turning point.
That nightmare changed everything for me. It forced me to take a real break from coding a break I hadn't allowed myself in months, perhaps even a year. One morning, I sat on my bed, gazing at my desk, feeling a strong urge to dive back into my work on the computer. My hands itched to type. But I decided to resist. Instead, I dedicated time to make breakfast. It wasn’t just about grabbing something quick to eat while typing away. I truly prepared a meal and paid attention to the tastes and textures, something I hadn’t done in ages. It was different from simply fueling my body for more coding.
For the first time in what felt like a lifetime, I wasn't glued to my computer screen. I ventured outside for a walk with no particular destination, just to take in the sights around me. Everything seemed brighter and more colorful, as if I had been viewing life through a dim screen. I saw kids playing in the park, older couples walking hand in hand, and birds flying above all simple life moments that I had missed by being consumed in code. The world felt familiar yet new, like visiting a hometown after many years.
Reflecting on that day, I realized it was time to pick up old hobbies and interests the parts of me I had neglected in my quest for coding perfection. I needed to remember the person I was before coding dominated my life.
Rediscovering Old Joys
The first step to reconnecting with myself was through music. I found my old headphones not the ones I used for coding tutorials, but the ones saved for pure enjoyment of music. With a little hesitation, I put together a playlist of songs from my teenage years and pressed play. The familiar tunes washed over me, bringing back memories and feelings I hadn't allowed myself to experience for years. The music felt like an embrace from an old friend, reminding me of who I was before coding took over someone who enjoyed dreaming, creating for joy, and not just solving problems.
A few days after my important dream, I dove deeper into things I had been missing. I remembered how I used to love movies not just watching them, but truly engaging with them, appreciating their storytelling, and discussing them with friends. So, I revisited some favorite films I hadn't seen for years because I thought I was "too busy" or considered it "unproductive time."
Rewatching those films felt surreal; while I recalled the plots clearly, experiencing them again was like a fresh new experience. I noticed details I missed before, appreciated the craftsmanship with new eyes. During an especially moving scene, I found myself completely immersed not thinking about work or mentally solving code, just engrossed in the unfolding story. That moment of pure presence was like coming up for air after being underwater too long.
Today, I decided to revisit one of my favorite series, Naruto. I started watching it back in 2020, during the early days of the pandemic when the world felt uncertain and frightening. Back then, it was a constant source of comfort and inspiration the themes of perseverance, friendship, and forging your own path resonated deeply with me. This time around, I'm watching it at a relaxed pace, like catching up with an old friend. I'm noticing the similarities between Naruto's journey and my own struggle to define myself beyond just one skill or talent.
There’s a scene where a character realizes they've been pushing themselves too hard, trying to show their value through endless training and sacrifice. Watching that now, I felt a strong sense of recognition. Sometimes, we need stories to help us see the patterns we're caught in.
If you're interested in exploring more about balancing passion with personal growth, you might enjoy my reflections in The Paradox of Being 17, where I discuss similar themes of identity and self-discovery.
The Ongoing Journey to Balance
This journey of reconnecting with myself isn't simple, and I'm learning to accept that. There are days when I slip back into old habits spending too long coding without breaks, forgetting to eat, or not responding to my friends. The key difference now is that I notice when this happens. I've started setting small rules for myself: for example, I use a timer to remind me to stand and stretch every hour, eat meals away from my desk, and stay away from screens the last hour before bed.
I've also gone to journaling, on a computer. Writing by hand helps slow my thoughts and makes me face my feelings instead of pushing them away. Some entries are just a few lines; others fill pages. Each piece of writing helps me connect with who I am, not just as a programmer but as a person.
Final Thoughts
It's been a few weeks since I had that dream, and honestly, without it, I don't know where I'd be today. I would probably still be trapped in endless work and coding, mistaking being busy for having a purpose, and achievements for being truly happy. That dream stuck with me, showing me just how much I needed a break and a chance to enjoy other parts of my life.
I'm not completely free from working too much. I still love coding and find joy in solving tough problems and making useful tools. But I'm learning that I'm more than just my work. My value isn't defined by how many tasks I complete. There's space in my life for both passion and relaxation, for both success and gratitude.
This journey of reconnecting has taught me that balance isn't something you achieve and keep forever it's something you work on continually. Some days I'll get it right; other days I'll stumble. But now I know what it feels like to feel whole, to breathe freely, and to exist beyond just the digital world. That understanding is a kind of freedom in itself.